A person is secure when they have two core convictions in place:
- That something belongs to them
- That it won’t be taken away without their permission.
When either of these convictions is shaky, we have what I call “ownership uncertainty”, which is what leads to the feeling we know as insecurity. This uncertainty can often be the result of unhealed emotional wounds from previous similar experiences, although it can also be rooted in some personality types.
The solution is complex and really has to be individualised depending on each particular relationship. But broadly speaking we can resolve this twofold:
- recognise the basis of the uncertainty
- reestablish certainty on new grounds.
Of course actually practising this in reality involves a lot of emotional work, unlearning old thought habits and relearning new ones.
But it’s entirely possible.